Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
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mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
first you must answer his riddles
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
sugar glider wrangler
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.