While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
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imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
😅🤣😂
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Yup.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.