I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
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“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.