Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
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If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Is….Is this an option?
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend