Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
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Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
this isn’t threatening at all
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.