You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
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Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.