The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
#damn
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
2022 be like
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo