The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
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I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?