Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
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Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.