Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
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The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.