How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
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Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Me checking my bank balance online.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
The first matador
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Hit me in the face with a bird
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Pretty certain I can more drunk