If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
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Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Going into Monday like
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
don’t be scared
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early