The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
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Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?