Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
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After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.