Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
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Camping tip: No.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but