When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
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Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.