My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
You Might Also Like
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
Fries, not lies.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
People buying plungers never look happy.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.