Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
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Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.