What if all the cashiers are married?
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I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.