me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
You Might Also Like
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor