I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
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“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Okay, I’m still confused…
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Camping tip: No.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato