Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
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i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that