My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
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<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
My life in a nutshell
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Don’t touch that.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.