I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
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Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
BETRAYAL
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?