Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
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She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters