In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
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Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.