Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
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I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.