OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
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If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
my professor scared me for a second
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything