An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
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One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.