Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
You Might Also Like
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
ibopfufen
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated