your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
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I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
When news reporters do sports stories
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.