Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
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I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Rich people don’t understand cereal
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
jesus christ confetti not now
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Skills
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here