don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
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My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
When someone says you are so lazy
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE