king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
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[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Kermit goes Blue.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do