Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
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What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force