So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
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Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Noted.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene