i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
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Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.