Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
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i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Jokes on them. I took 10.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich