Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
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Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party