yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like π π π until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind isβ¦
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My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: Theyβve seen a few things.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. Iβd scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Get your employees to work harder by βaccidentallyβ leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Stop sending me this shit.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout youβre invited to the cookout.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
when people say I swear too much Iβm like βwell in my defense I read the newsβ
The three genders
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* Iβm so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vetβs*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.