Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
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Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Cool shirt 🙂
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…