911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
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I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
then why did i get this email
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*