It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
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Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.