Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
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The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.