there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
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A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.