Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
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*ernest hemingway voice*
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
bought wrong eggs
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it