When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
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Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Me as a therapist: omg same
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!