Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
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Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.