[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
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[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL