*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
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I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Me too, bag. Me too….
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month